Jokes & Funnies

[Lindsayt]

Isn't that the Manchester United Juan Mata topless terrorist cell?

(Or it might be members of the Peruvian Ni Una Menos group who protest against femicides and violence against women).

I thought they were just badly spelt and rather incomplete menus.

[TheMarlin]

[slinger]

[howardc1951]

Operator: 999 what service do you require?
Man: A man's been hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
Operator: Where are you caller?
Man: Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: Can you spell that?
Silence
Operator: Are you still there caller?
Man: I'll drag him over to Pine Street and call you back.

[slinger]

[TheMarlin]

[howardc1951]

A frog walks into a bank, walks up to the counter and tells the teller, Patricia Wrack, that he needs to borrow £20,000. "Do you have an account here?" she asks.
"No" says the frog. "but my father is the famous singer Mick Jagger".
"You'll have to provide some security" says Patricia.
"Well I've got this" says the frog putting a small ornament on the counter.
"I'll have to ask the manager" says Patricia taking the ornament into the office.
"There's a frog outside, wanting to borrow £20000, says his father's Mick Jagger and has this as his only security and I don't even know what this is."
"It's a knick knack, Patty Wrack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[terrybooth]

If we're resurrecting Dave Lee Travis jokes...
Mike, the builder, arranges to take his girlfriend Gloria out for a Sunday jaunt in his van. On his way there the van breaks down and Mike can't make the date. He texts his girlfriend to explain and postpone their tryst: "Sic transit Gloria, Monday."

[terrybooth]

And...
Mike has a terribly embarassing problem and he goes to his doctor's to ask about it.
"Doctor, every time I pass wind it makes a funny sound"
Doctor says, "That's normal"
Mike says, "No you don't understand, it sound like 'honda'" and he lifts his cheek to demonstratrate. Sure enough, out comes 'hondaaaa'. The doctor is perplexed but has no answer. So he sends Mike off to the proctologist. Some routine there and the proctologist does an examination but can provide no explanation.
Seeing no answer in Western Medicine, Mike goes to a Chinese Herbalist. Same routine,
"Ah," says the herbalist straight away, "You have an abscess"
Mike is stunned, "How can you know that, you've haven't done anything!"
The Chinese man replies, "This is well know where I come from. Confucious say, 'Abscess makes the fart go honda'"

[slinger]

Bloody Hell! And I thought my last one was scraping the bottom of the barrel, but you blokes have found a brand new barrel underneath the one I was scraping.