Jokes & Funnies

[Latteman]

Two Irish men sat on the ground
One fell off....

[Fretless]

Did you hear the one about the priest, the rabbi and the Imam?

No?

Me neither.

[savvypaul]

Flood defences...

[slinger]

[slinger]

I don't know how many of you remember a TV program named “Drop The Dead Donkey,” but the more I wrote the more the voice of this piece sounded to me like the voice of the hypochondriac, jumper-wearing, painfully divorced, News Editor George Dent, played by Jeff Rawle, or maybe a cross between him, and Marvin the Paranoid Android.



MY DIARY
Friday, January 1st 2021

Well, Diary, here it is, the day we were dreading.

We're now officially adrift from the EU. It's such a shame that it took the total collapse of civilisation in the UK for leavers to start admitting that those of us who wanted to stay were right all along, but it's heartening how many of them actually said so in their suicide notes.

I don't know what happened to all of those trade deals that were supposed to be “oven-ready” or whatever. I remember that Liam Fox bloke saying that a free trade deal with the EU should be the “easiest in human history”. I wonder what happened to him. He's probably still in Bahrain begging for oil. Oops, it's not begging, is it? It's called “lobbying” when there are that many zeroes on the end of the numbers.. He was doing it while he was a government minister. I don't suppose he's changed that much.

Some people did OK out of it, of course. A whole load of chaps that Boris knew made an absolute fortune by something called “shorting the Pound”. It's almost as if they all knew that the Pound would nosedive so far and so fast that economists on the television news programs had to Sellotape a second graph to the bottom of the ones they'd been using. I wish I had some of their luck, Diary.

Boris Johnson is still around, you know. You can't keep a good man down. Or him, it seems.

I still can't believe he survived the fallout from when he was caught shagging a knot-hole in what he said later was a "particularly seductive" wooden fence-post. It was only a brief moment of weakness I'm certain, and I don't think he'd have done it at all if Jacob Rees-Mogg hadn't nailed that blonde wig to the top of it.

Of course, Boris is "Lord Brexit of Dogging" these days, and apparently, he's quite happy sitting in the Lords pretending to run the country. It must be just like old times I suppose.

It was very nice of Queen Priti to let him resign, and take his ennoblement in the end. I was quite surprised when she didn't let that lynch mob take him. She's like that though, sometimes she's a bit nasty, and at other times she can be absolutely lovely. No, just kidding, she's a totally sadistic witch, all the time.

Talking of royalty, I wonder how the old gang is getting along over in Canada. Prince Philip will be 100 years old this June. I bet he'd have got a nice military salute if he'd been allowed to stay here. I wonder if they'll celebrate it out there in Canada. Probably not now that they've seceded from the Commonwealth, or The Isle of Wight and Aligned Territories, as we have to call it now.

It's a pity the Canadians wouldn't let Prince Andrew in though. He looks so forlorn, hanging around Pizza Express in Woking, all on his own, still waiting for someone to recognise him, or remember him. At least he's stopped sweating again though, Diary. Isn't it funny how that was the only bit that was actually true?

I heard, on the news this morning, that the Police have finally stopped looking for Dominic Cummings' body. It's not that they've run out of clues, it's just that they really just can't be arsed any more.

It feels a bit odd sometimes, Diary. Not the actual being out of Europe, as such, but more the way we were bought up, lock, stock, and barrel, by the Trump Dynasty and Presidency Corporation.

I know we're all Trumpmerican States now, but I can never remember if England is State number 51 or number 52. I think it's 51, and Scotland is 52.

That reminds me, I wonder whatever happened to that Indyref 2 woman. Sturgeon, wasn't it? Her body was never found either.

The newspaper, of course, was concentrating on Supreme Being Trump's state golfing visit when she disappeared, so nobody missed her for several days. I remember when we had more than one newspaper. Those were very confusing times, so many different opinions, one never knew what was truth and what was lies. It's so much easier now we're only allowed the one that Australian man owns.

Perhaps the Indyref 2 lady ran off with Dominic Cummings. I'd like to think that they were happy somewhere, together.

I mustn't forget that we're all off down to Southampton this evening. We're taking our free Trumpmerican flags (strictly one per household) to the docks so we can wave goodbye to the NHS as it leaves for Trumpmerica. It was a real shame that some rotten crooks stole all the bricks that were going to be used for those forty new hospitals we were promised. Of course, that meant there was nowhere for all of those new nurses to work, so they all had to be let go before they'd even started work. That was the final straw for the NHS.

Her Amazing Blondeness, the Lady Ivanka, daughter-wife of her husband-daddy, Supreme Being Trump, is going to be at Southampton too, It's probably just as well that Boris will be in The Lords tonight. She is very blonde and quite American. He might well have embarrassed us all by asking her for technology lessons and doing that odd “winking” thing that he does.

Still, I can't sit here all morning wittering on to you, Diary. I'm one of the lucky ones. I've still got a job. I don't hold out much hope of my circumstances ever-improving though. I honestly can't see that there is any sort of “career path” when your job is the picking, up and disposing, of the frozen, dead, homeless that litter the streets these days?

It does have it's perks of course, well, a perk, singular, to be precise. For every twenty-five clients (we have to call them clients now) I turn in at the depot I get to keep one, and I'm allowed to borrow a company wheelbarrow to take it home in.

They burn quite well and help make up for the fact that we're not allowed coal now.

I thought originally it was because we're still trying to cut carbon emissions, but apparently, so I was told, it's just Queen Priti “having a laugh” whatever that means.

Do you know, Diary - and I wouldn't say this out loud, but - I sometimes wonder if this really is all Jeremy Corbyn's fault.

See you tomorrow, Diary. If there is a tomorrow. At least there will be plenty of chlorinated chicken for us to eat, even if some of us do have to cook it over the flaming carcass of a client.

[CN211276]

Btilliant.

[Fretless]

Fine piece of dystopian SF.

Now everyone in the UK get on your knees and pray that it doesn't come true.

Me? I'm one of the many thousands of British citizens currently applying for a new nationality in an EU country.

[CN211276]

Fine piece of dystopian SF.

Now everyone in the UK get on your knees and pray that it doesn't come true.

Me? I'm one of the many thousands of British citizens currently applying for a new nationality in an EU country.

My step daughter is in the same position.

Why let logic and reason get in the way of xenephobia.

[slinger]

I threw a ball for my dog last night...

Extravagant, I know, but it was his 10th birthday...

[karatestu]

One snowman said to the other snowman......... do you smeĺl carrots