My wife sent me a text saying "Your great!". I immediately replied "No, you're great!". She was smiling so much that day that I hadn't the heart to tell her I was just correcting her grammar. I've seen the way it ends. My kids disconnect my life support machine so they can charge...

At 65 my grandma decided to walk 10 miles a day. She's now 92 and we've no idea where she is.

A man goes into a toyshop and says "I want to buy a Barbie doll, how much is it please?" The shop assistant says "It depends on which one you want. Surgeon Barbie is £19, astronaut Barbie £19, scientist Barbie £19, gymnast Barbie £19, explorer Barbie £19 and divorced Barbie £300."...

Einstein is on a plane and says to the man next to him "It's a long journey let's play a game. I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it you give me $5 then you ask me a question and if I can't answer it I'll give you $500." The man agrees and Einstein asks him what the distance f...

Question on TV quiz show last week : "According to Homer's epic poem if nectar is the drink of the gods what is the food of the gods?" Contestant 1 - "well he likes donuts so I'll say donuts". Contestant 2 - "yeah, I think that's probably right. Donuts." Apparently the ...

Your vet won't tell you this but if your dog is running a temperature get some mustard - it's the best thing for a hotdog!

Viriditas : Green Mars. Prog rockers from hampshire. Found them on Bandcamp. There's also another album called Red Mars.

Our WiFi packed up last night so my wife and I sat there and chatted. I was really surprised to find out that she no longer works at Woolworths.

A man and a dog goes into a pub and says to the barman "if my dog can talk can I have a free drink?". "Sure" says the barman. "What's on the roof of a house?" says the man. "Roof" says the dog. "Get out" says the barman. As the man and dog are leavin...

At my funeral take the wreath off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.