A fellow in the Maritime Provence of Canada was concerned that his Wife failed to return home after a night out with her Girlfriends. The next day a couple of Mounties came to his door and told him that they had some bad news but also some good news and some very good news. He said "Did you fin...

Condoms and coffins both contain stiffs.

One's coming and the other's going.

This looks a fair buy: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lenovo-IdeaPad-Chromebook-Laptop-i3-1115G4/dp/B0C9LZKS83/ref=sxin_12_recs_zoco_stores_brand_identity_bs?content-id=amzn1.sym.ecc1ecf8-8d1c-4bbd-b655-da936e24b538%3Aamzn1.sym.ecc1ecf8-8d1c-4bbd-b655-da936e24b538&crid=3PSKCUVUINCRK&cv_ct_cx=lenov...

A Chromebook sounds ideal for your needs.
Cheaper than Windows for a similar performance so you'd have more money left to buy hifi.

I know it's a long shot but do any of you know what a trebuchet is?

Being intolerant of extremism makes me an extremist - or have I misunderstood the government's ruling?

I spent all morning looking for the dog after it ran off without success.
Wife said I need to look harder.
After shaving my head and getting a tattoo I still can't find the dog.

A ten year old girl asked her Mother how she was born. The Mother smiled and said: "once upon a time your Daddy and I decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I tended it every day. Eventually the seed grew into a healthy little plant with more and more leaves. So we took t...

My wife asked me if I could remember all the women I'd slept with.
In hindsight I should have stopped when I got to her.

Still, the hospital bed's quite comfortable

Do you know that drinking six to eight beers every day can greatly reduce your risk of giving a shit?