I bought a bottle of whiskey at the supermarket and put it in a carrier bag. When I went to get on my bike I thought "If I fall off my bike the bottle would break and I'd lose the whiskey.". So I drank the whiskey. Just as well I did - I fell off 7 times.

I asked my wife why she married me. She told me it's because I'm really funny and make her laugh a lot. I told her I thought it was because I was charming and good looking. "See! Absolutely hilarious!"

The newly married couple were getting undressed in the honeymoon suite when the husband passes his wife his trousers and asks her to put them on. "I can't wear those trousers, they're far too big." "That's right , I wear the trousers!" The wife hands her skimpy pants to the husba...

The other day I said to my wife "For 30 years you've been finding fault with everything I say.". She said "It's 31."

We Came From Space - Overlords.

Another one I found on Bandcamp. We Came From Space reminded me a bit of groups like Supertramp and Caravan.

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. The doctor complains that as soon as people discover he's a doctor they start telling him all their medical problems and wanting advise. "Do people do that to you?" he asks the lawyer. "Oh yes." says the lawyer. "What do you do a...

My wife said to me "Have you listened to a single thing I've said?". I thought that's a funny way to start a conversation.

In America an elderly driver crashes into the back of another car. The driver is furious and tells the old man he wants $10000 now or he'll beat him to a pulp. The old man says that he doesn't have that sort of money but he'll phone his son. "He trains dolphins and he'll know what to do". ...

I slept so badly last night that I made my morning coffee with Red Bull today. I was halfway to work this morning before I realised that I hadn't brought the car.

Why do married women weigh more than single women? Single women come in, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come in, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.